Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Tea for One

What is it about me and tea bags?!
Or more specifically, why do I, and the design of them, not match?

I used to buy the ones with the little tag on them. You know, these ones.
Trouble was, that every time I'd make a cuppa, the little yellow tag on the end of the string would fall into the fkn cup.
Meaning, that I would end up fishing around the cup, scalding the ends of my fingers, trying to get the damn thing out before the lovely taste of printer's ink infused it's way throughout the brew.

(**Note that, in hindsight, I do realise I could've fished it out with a spoon, but my brain would illogically engage in a manner that said "hey - you've lost the tag, now youre gonna have to grab it out with your fingers"'s me we're talking about here. Logic has no place in this discussion..)

Anyhow, you can imagine my joy upon spotting ads on TV promoting the new 'squeezable' teabags. These ones.
Brilliant! (..thought I)

Finally, somebody's been thinking smart, and has challenged the age-old tradition of tea drinking procedures and brought them into the 00's.

Except of course, this is moi we're talking about here:

Dear Sir/Madam Lipton,

Thank you for dreaming up the idea of teabags that have a mechanism with which to aid in the minimalisation of 'tea drip' from your bags.

Or, as you put it:

"Lipton Squeezable is specially designed not to drip after squeeing, which allows you to make a great cup of tea anytime, anywhere without any mess. The squeezing action also ensures you can draw every last delicious drop of Lipton tea from the bag."

I, for one, am extremely grateful that your Research and Development Department have been busy implementing feedback from your loyal customers, and that you are dedicated to continuing the quest towards innovation and increased product efficiency.

I must admit to not knowing what '
squeeing' is, but I am most certainly sure that I, as a loyal consumer of your products, will no doubt benefit.

May I suggest, however, that the design of such is accomodating to the action of being pulled under stress, and that perhaps thorough testing before being released to market might be a consideration for you in the near future?

With the Kindest of Regards,


In other words, have you tried these for real, actually, yourSELVES?!
FFS! Wet string plus wet paper plus wet bag equals disaster!!

I live in an apartment which is extremely white:
White walls, white doors, white cupboards, white drawers, white applicances, and a white ceiling.

Lipton 'Squeezable' Tea Bags, for quite some time, provided me with a lovely splash of light-brown highlighting to compliment this stark white decor.
No matter HOW MANY TIMES I TRIED, and no matter HOW MANY DIFFERENT TECHNIQUES I UTILISED, the fkn things would come apart just at the moment of peak pressure, and end up being flicked, flung, and otherwise propelled to all sorts of places around my apartment. AARGGH!

Once, the teabag even landed smack in the middle of this Powerbook's lovely shiny keyboard, about 10 feet to my rear.


In fact, even now there remain remnants of this brown redecorating, to be seen on my ceiling.

I don't own a ladder.

Or a chair stable or tall enough to get a cloth to the ceiling.


Today, I decided to revert back to the old-fashioned 'tag' type. The non-squeezable type. The ones with the paper tag on the end of the string.
I sat the teabag in the cup, and then put my teaspoon down on the tag to make sure it didn't get sucked into the cup like a leaf in a whirlpool.

I poured the water in.. (looking good so far!)

I waited for it to brew for a minute, then poured in the milk.. (woohoo I've got this thing under my belt now!)

I gave it a stir.. HOLDING ONTO THE TAG.. (nice!!)




..but that's okay. I'm calm. I can do this.
Count to ten, and try again. Keep it together Steve.

teabag in cup.. teaspoon on tag to hold it in place.. water in.. brew.. milk in.. (all looking great!)
Lift the tag.. dunk it up and down a couple of ti.. WHAT!?!?

The freaking STRING CAME APART FROM THE TAG AND FELL INTO THE CUP, leaving me holding on to nothing but a yellow tag with the REST OF IT (string and bag) wallowing at the BOTTOM OF MY FKN CUP!!


Is it just me? Am I of some fundamentally different mechanical design than all other human beings? All I want is a goddamn cup of freakin' TEA!?

I think I may switch back to coffee. hmmph.


At 2:37 pm, July 06, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Know what you mean Amigo, Im a Dilmahholic but recently thought i would try this wankier brand called 'Chai' which were throwing in a free diffuser if you spend fifty quid. I thought sweet! you never know when you might come home and find a bomb ticking in your pad these days. Turned out to be a tea-pot and once i had downed a brew i quickly realised that it was actually the taste of the bag itself that i liked. Leaf tea is for grannies, now Im back on Dilmah but am cleverly slicing the bags, brewing the paper and selling the loose tea to the old Nanna two doors down. Real men drink paper, squeeing bags is for homos !

Bill Munthlee


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